A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband: 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.'

'What?' said the puzzled groom.'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
 
'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.'
 
'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.'
 
'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.'
 
'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.'
 
'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.'
 
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.'
 
'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.'
 
'Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.'
 
'Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look.'
 
'Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was........... Oh God, I miss him!'.........
 
'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!' 'Wonderful,' said the husband, 'but, why?' 'You're with the Government.......This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
 screwed.'

Exercise Routine

If you're feeling overweight, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN ...

NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Chocolate!

1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) 

2. A backward poet writes inverse

3. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

6. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed 

7. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

9. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

10. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key

12. Every calendar's days are numbered

13. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine 

14. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

15. A plateau is a high form of flattery

16. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

17. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine 

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis 

20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
            
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
                                
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

Yorkshire Lasses are the best!

He woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. " Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently
waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

I'm all done.

After today,   

no more reading.