Richland's Humour Archive

So what's the problem?

13/10/2006

In Honour of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But, wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my, was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Which would you choose?

06/10/2006

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

“HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW”

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; “ FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”

THE WIFE ASKS, “WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON 'T CLOSE RIGHT.”

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, “ FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.”

FINE, SHE SAYS,“THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?” THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.”

“I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS”, HE SAYS. “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB !!! “

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER , HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY”, HE ASKS, “HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”

SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE .”

HE SAID, “SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?”

SHE REPLIED,“HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”

Truths

29/09/2006

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE :

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles

 

Words of Wisdom

22/09/2006

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very attractive blonde woman from Newcastle arrived.

She bet twenty-thousand pounds (£20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Gordie Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all Northerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men... are men.

Rabbit

15/09/2006

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round)gives the rabbit the Pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then bursts into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",smiling and accepting the Tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a
whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the Toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.........NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, (3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you?" to which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous."

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED!", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from?"

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

*"Mixin'-me-toasties!"*

 

A Short Test Of Your Honesty

08/09/2006

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's John Prescott!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options, you can save the life of John Prescott, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize- winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful politicians......

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

 

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

Whispers!

01/09/2006

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

The Prawn and the Cod

25/08/2006

The Scottish Three Kick Rule

04/08/2006

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

What is Old?

28/07/06

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD" IS

"OLD" IS WHEN Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. ( AIN 'T THIS THE TRUTH!)

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes (THEY HAPPEN TO BE THE TRUTH)

 

Communication Dilemma

21/07/06

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London .

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her Husband.  

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.  

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy Chicken legs.  

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.  

The butcher got the message, and gave her the Chicken legs.  

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts

Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts!

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

What were you thinking?

 

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

 

Now get back to work...

 

Housework

14/07/06

Housework was woman's work, but one evening...

Barb arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect, too. Ralph was too tired..."

Alternative Siren

07/07/07

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little girl. Yet as the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Copying Mistake

30/06/07

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He's assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the Abbot and points out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says, "We've been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my Son." So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. Eventually, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably. "Father, what's wrong?" asks the young monk.

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies"The word is 'celebrate'."

REAL Birth Control

23/05/06

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

The Frog Wants A Loan!

16/05/06

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says, "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.

She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)



(are you sure?)



The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone." 
           

 

Male Revenge!

09/05/06

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows that I'm smarter than her!

The hygenic waiter

19/05/06

On being seated at a restaurant table, a gentleman becomes somewhat embarrassed when he knocks the spoon off with his elbow. A nearby waiter calmly picks it up and produces another shiny spoon from his pocket, which he places on the table. Suitably impressed, the diner enquires, ‘Do all waiters carry spare spoons on them?’ The waiter replies, ‘Indeed, sir, it is in fact company policy, ever since our efficiency expert determined that 17.8 per cent of our clients knock the spoon off the table. By carrying a spare spoon on our person, we save on trips to the kitchen’

After the gentleman has finished his meal and paid the bill, he wanders over to the same waiter and says to him, ‘You will, of course, forgive me, but do you know you have a piece of string hanging from your fly?’ ‘Indeed, sir,’ the waiter begins, ‘Our efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after going to the toilet. Thus, by attaching this piece of string to my penis I avoid touching myself: I go, and then I return to work. It saves a lot of time.’ ‘But how do you put it back in your trousers?’ asks the curious diner. ‘Well sir, I can't speak on behalf of my colleagues, but I just use the spoon.’

Newly Weds

12/05/06

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon.. Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either.

Cussing

05/05/06

Aids or Alzhiemer's

28/04/06

Life in Alaska

21/04/06

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Lars.

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter... just gonna be the two of us."

Bring her in at two-thirty

07/04/06

Marriage

31/03/06

 

Wedding Night

23/03/06

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............ God, I miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!."

Transfer of guilt

17/03/06

Liverpool Football Club are on the look out for some new talent and send a scout to Bosnia where they find a fantastic new player and bring him back with them. In his first game, he scores a hat-trick and the fans love him.

When he gets home he decides to phone his mum and give her the good news, but when she answers she immediately starts crying. When he asks what the matter is, she replies, ‘Well, this morning your sister was robbed by a street gang, then your little brother was savaged by wild dogs while playing football in the street. After that your dad was shot by a sniper and I was mugged and beaten up while shopping.’

The guy is gobsmacked. ‘Mum, what can I say? I’m so sorry.’ ‘Sorry?!’ she shouts. ‘It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool !’

Trained

10/03/06

Nun Other

03/03/06

Star Crossed Lovers

24/02/06

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful.

Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back. 'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

The Attorney and the Physicians

17/02/06

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes

Smart Answers

10/02/06

Smart Answer #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart Answer #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Answer #3
A police man got out of his car, the kid he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the police man finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Answer #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The police man gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

Smart Answer #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Diagnosis

03/02/06

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the pharmacy that can diagnose anything quicker than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you £5."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the pharmacy. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £5.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the £5.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

Godfather's Lawyer

27/01/06

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his lawyer, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million pounds you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million pounds you embezzled from me?"

The lawyer interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The lawyer signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The lawyer interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...and ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Dear Dad

20/01/2006

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for us and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

The Accountant

12/01/2006

A young accountant, newly qualified, gets a job with a big 5 accountancy firm (Grice Bloaterhouse Gouper Barry) On his first day, he's told that GBGP value the work life balance and so the hours are strictly 9-5

This soon turns out to be baloney and he ends up working 24/7. He also discovers that he is pressured to bill as many hours as possible to each client

He works and works and builds his career all the way to partner but at 44 he keels over with a heart attack (all that pressure to bill those hours!)

He arrives at the pearly gates and St Peter looks on his list and says " Hello Bill (for that was his name) nice to see you, congatulations on reaching the age of 88

88 says Bill, I'm only 44

That can't be, says St P, our records are never wrong (we have a very good auditor!)

No I'm only 44, you must have made a mistake (a double entry perhaps)

St P says - ok I'll check it, but we're never wrong

A few moments pass while the venerable saint checks the heavenly computer (it's a bit slow today as the devil sent him a trojan horse)

Ah I see the error now says the saintly one - we've calculated your age based on the hours you billed!

 

Alligator Shoes

15/12/2005

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

Cyanide

09/12/2005

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Little Timmy Shaughnessy

01/12/2005

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."

A Scottish Courting Story

25/11/2005

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

The Nun

18/11/2005

A taxi driver cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you "She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.  "She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that:

Firstly , you have to be single and secondly, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm not Catholic."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."

 

Oh, to be young again

09/11/2005

A man walks into a pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this pack."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university students," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

Proud Fathers

03/11/2005

Four best friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

Einstein, Picasso & Bush

26/10/2005

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ah! ead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

The Blonde Guy

20/10/2005

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch box and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

 

One Good Reason

14/10/2005

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The policeman came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

Evasion Tactics

07/10/2005

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

What's in a name?

30/09/05

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"

"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"

Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"

"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"

Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."

 

The Computer Programmer

23/09/05

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

 

Children of the 60's & 70's

15th September 2005

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags riding in the passenger seat was a treat. 

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this. 

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits. We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents. We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how-to deal with it all.


And you're one of them. Congratulations!


Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us. This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986...They are called youth. They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. 

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam . AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Redhand Gang or the Famous Five. They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

 

Heaven & Hell

5th August 2005

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flushed, air conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there in the first place.
Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a solicitor?"

The Headache

29th July 2005

Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years, finally he found a doctor who could cure the problem. He sat down in the doctors office and the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.  He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

  

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, “That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years".

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked about some new underwear?"  He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400

New shirt - £30

New underwear - £5

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Grown-Up Words

22nd July 2005

The reception pupils were now in the year one. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in reception. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the S**t."

 

The Ventriloquist

15th July 2005

A young man was performing a ventriloquist show in a village pub in Nottinghamshire.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the front row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with their intelligence and worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person - - you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister!  I'm talking to that little *!$@ on your knee."

 

What a good boy

8th July 2005

 

Bilingual applicant preferred

1st July 2005

The Bank Manager

24th June 2005

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer.He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, "How much is two and two?", the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job

Three Wishes

17th June 2005

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

The Winking Salesman

10th June 2005

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Top ten excuses for falling asleep at your desk

3rd June 2005

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

3. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

4. "Amen"

5. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

6. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

7. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

8. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

10. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

27th May 2005

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• What's the definition of a will? - It's a dead give away.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Mafia Debt Collection

13th May 2005

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter.

The right-hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf collector signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain."

The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to the thug, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

Rules for My Boss

29th April 2005

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which the priority is. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to people you're with. I have to right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money, anyway.

The Four Cats

15th April 2005

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,

"What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

Coffee-Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Occupational descriptions

8th April 2005

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Origin of the Internet

1st April 2005

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading, as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.. .and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

A Newlywed Couple

24th March 2005

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after three-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power."

"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible -- anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at B&Q either."

Advice from Children

17th March 2005

(1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

What is the right age to get married?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mum and dad have in common?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

When is it OK to kiss someone?

( 1 ) When they're rich. (I'll buy that!) -- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...

How would you make a marriage work?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

A Love Story

11th March 2005

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married,

So Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely Walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge Grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a Week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so Much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith Says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

For everyone who has to work with the Public .......

3rd March 2005

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

International Pun Contest

25th February 2005

Here are the 10 first place winners in the 2005 International Pun Contest:


1. A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?    His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named " Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.... Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug  in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Office Wisdom

18th February 2005

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
   
2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
   
3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
   
4. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
   
5. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
   
6. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in wintertime he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work, think would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
   
7. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
   
8. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
   
9. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
   
10. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
    
11. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
    
12. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
    
13. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
    
14. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
    
15. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
    
16. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
    
17. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
    
18. Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
    
19. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
    
20. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

How Computers Enhance Our Lives

11th February 2005

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally! Your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Great Truths

28th January 2005

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exerc